I watch myself forming
Oneness is calling
It is always Advent somewhere.
Feeling the depths
past meeting presence
freedom, safety, and voice abound.
Waiting in conversation with oneness.
Advent of my life
I look within you in harmonious completeness.
Unholiness I was terrified of you.
I let you in because you said so.
But you are a lie, your name is abuse.
Twisted reality, making me believe what you did was okay.
I hated myself because you said I was as gum on the bottom of a shoe
You lied, you said you could take my very breath away.
That I would not survive without you.
But light kept standing by, waiting, and
Looked you straight in the eye as
Strength stood up with my sustenance
walking away from your lies and abuse.
I watch myself forming.
fear of an unholy birth defeated
This feeling of brokenness finished
I am undamaged and undone.
Peering out into decidedness
Oneness calling is calling
Completeness speaks me whole.
Oddly enough, these days I am revisiting my past in very different ways. Coming to understand how much of my self sabatage of dreams, giving up of my voice and freezing into shut down of silence leads to one place; the old messages I thought I left behind and let go years ago.
And I did, and here I am within a new level of letting go and being very aware of these moments and literally pivoting in making different choices.
Two things, I started therapy with the intentions of helping me work through some of the grief of my body’s limitations and living with a chronic and severe illness. I believed this would help me in pushing forward in action of my goals. Instead where life needed attention was something different.
Visualization like no time before, one of the stand out moments was at Acupuncture. She placed a needle in a particular position and it was guttural pain and abject terror, and yet quickly as she was massaging out this little voice said, “You don’t need to be here.” and and old old song from years ago by Shaina Noll, played in my head. the main words of the song, You Can Relax Now
“You can relax now,
Go on and open your eyes,
Breath deeply now,
I am with you.”
I felt myself in this safety and freedom that none of what I continue to deeply believe within myself, that I am gum under the bottom of your shoes. that I could never be any kind of “success” because I am stupid and incapable.
What nonsense. A deeper knowing in my bones of the lies that its true name is abuse, and that is not mine to take on.
These experiences these days. The totality led me here.
It creates a consistency I choose one day at a time.
I choose freedom and safety. So I look out in a deep stare, fully meeting your eyes with mine. Umbuntu – I am, because you are. in which my soul includes itself – I am because we are.
paint much love, always,
Connie Karleta Sales
This Crooked Little Flower