I have been reflecting, reading, and writing. Like life does, I had slowly let go of things I did on a regular basis for my own well being.
There is no why or excuses, it just is. I choose not to berate myself or batter myself, and instead, gather, and begin; again. and ebb in the flow of it all. it happens.
I do get frustrated at myself. It is a life long struggle to get things done. I do not like admitting to ADD but it fits. I get overwhelmed and lost in it all.
I also am a pro at self-sabotage. The very inner part of me still believing in those old messages of never being capable of anything, and that I am so broken I should just forget ever being productive.
A doctor, a psychiatrist spoke those words. Now he also said that disability insurance paid him far more than my employers insurance so why would I want to work anyways. Seriously? (side note – this doctor lost his license and went to prison).
As much as I believe in myself I also so easily fall into all the messages I spent much of my life believing. from childhood into adulthood. and I doubt my own ability to make decisions.
Little by little I change this. One decision at a time.
I am doubling down. Finding ways to help myself in accountability and responsibility. Leaning on the help I have and not trying to be so stubbornly independent.
I am making goals I am terrified to make. Looking at the steps I need to take to work toward them. What do I need to take care of myself.
What are the things I need to accept/re-accept. The things that make my life easier and healthier and yet sometimes just get sick of it.
Things like my feeding tube and liquid nutrition which really needs to run pretty much 24/7 for my body to be okay. Being attached to tubes all the time get old and frustrating, AND my life is healthier by allowing the tubes to be the extension of self they are.
I am allowing myself to explore where I want to be, where I want to fall into, be comforted by. Should I be surprised it brings a smile?
My blog, I choose to get back to where it used to be. A once a week, randomness of thoughts, feelings, through art and poetry.
My work is just that, the questions, the wonderings, the fears, the hopes, and joys of life as it is lived. polished or unpolished.
I am taking risks I have not dared to take. Wanting a newsletter but not understanding enough to risk sending one. Cost plays into it too. Recently I found I could connect my Square website to MailChimp and I can begin for free to explore this world and connect through email to you. I am excited now more than I am afraid and anxious. I hope you will enjoy them for those who wish to sign up or already have.
Thank you for hanging in and joining the journey. You are beautiful humans, and I love you.
Here is to 2023 and the adventures the year will bring.
paint much love, always,
Connie Karleta Sales
a.k.a. This Crooked Little Flower