On the day I was born my mother was wheeled from the psychiatric ward to labor and delivery, had me, and then back up to the psychiatric ward. I came home from the hospital before my mom did. She was let out on a day pass on Mother’s Day and was able to be home for the day.

I was born around 12:38am as I understand, and I am writing and finishing this post nearing the hour of my birth.

I had another post planned, but simply wanted to post something different.

My art goes hand in hand with my daily life. It is not separate. I have been struggling a bit with this blog because it is “my art”. and felt like it was suppose to be something it is not.

What I really want is a blog. Yes, sharing my art, but sharing the life behind the art. Pretty much what I boiled it down to anyway, just struggling with it a bit. Allowing words to have more space for their breaths.

My art for many years was about the effects of violence and the aftermath and advocate to prevent it, and also create a place for people to have voice, whatever the voice they needed at the time.

I am not in the same space. My place is somewhere different. do I know what that is ? not quite. I feel it. I can’t yet describe it. Figures are changing. Honestly I am more into portraits than figures, also drawn to multiple figures and that is very interesting, because traditionally my pieces are one figure in a piece.

I am celebrating another dance around the sun, and that is so precious. Life is precious, and i love it. I didn’t always, and I was very misguided in my efforts to find peace and health.

Today, it is different. It is safe, it is love, it is family (chosen), it is friendship, it is community.

I didn’t celebrate my birthdays as birthdays were not fun. It either falls near or on Mother’s Day and that was a problem for me, because if celebrated it took away from Mother’s Day, well, that is how my mother felt and nothing should take away from that day, not even to celebrate the life of your daughter. One time in college my mom was adamant I bring a couple of friends for dinner for my birthday. I did reluctantly. She served foods I have never liked. Disjointed foods. Literally my least favorite foods. It was awkward at best, extremely uncomfortable, and for a time afterwards, hell for me. What was she trying to do? Dangle the carrot, let’s celebrate. Then, ha ha, fooled you, I am giving you a rotten carrot. be thankful and adore me because I am the best mother that ever lived.

My mom once told me she could take my very breath away. I have really not said this out loud except to certain people. Recently I told my brother. We grew up much like only children.

It wasn’t metaphorical, she was serious. And I tucked it away for a lifetime, hurt and terrified.

I am seeing a different side of my mother with Alzheimer’s. She is happy. She is no longer truly cognitive, but she lights up and genuinely seems like whatever crap had a hold over her, it is gone. I am happy, because coming to the end of days on this earth, I am genuinely happy she is getting to seem happier than I have ever experienced her.

I am happy too. I am happy for my where my life is. I don’t like living with a severe illness. There is a good chance it will cut my life shorter than I want it to be, and maybe it won’t. lol, maybe my love of life will sustain me beyond expectations.

I have a really good life. I love and am loved.

I am not the terrified little girl hiding in her closet, believing she has claws for hands in order to defend herself. She will always be a part of me. Deep down she is protected now instead of trying to protect us.

Recently I rebooted my 2nd Instagram. It was to be my miniatures but I all but abandoned it. It is now a focus of living with a severe illness and finding the peace within daily life. It will be sharing the peace(s), and ways I adapt and live with love and quality of life, and yes, the struggles.

If you are on instagram come and check it out and hopefully give it a follow.

I am celebrating my birthday by getting my feeding tube replaced. and I am very happy. very grateful for what this tube does for me. Enables me to provide proper nutrition for my body. to fuel myself in order to sustain myself. An awesome birthday present.

I am celebrating my birthday. I am celebrating another dance around the sun. Quietly I put it on Facebook because Facebook was prompting me to start a fundraiser. So this year I did. Felt weird because it would be allowing others to know my birthday. Still creates anxiety. My fundraiser shows up in my bio on instagram (chronicpeacesofme). It is for the Guthy-Jackson Charitable Foundation as they uplift and are one of the leading organizations for NMOSD.

“Through research, technology and collaboration, we make medical breakthroughs for those with NeuroMyelitis Optica and its Spectrum Disorders.” from https://guthyjacksonfoundation.org/

No, she can’t take my breath away anymore, nor can my inner mother try, or have power over me. These are aspects of myself that can rest. We got this. Happy Birthday Connie! Cheers!

Years ago a friend gave me a book. It is a picture book called “On the Day you were Born” by Debra Frasier. I love this book. It is a celebration of all this world holds including humans. Celebrating each and every one of us. Loving this world and loving each and every human. I highly recommend this book.

Well I am tired. I need to go to sleep as I will be heading to the hospital early. So I am going to go for now, until next time,

paint much love, always,
Connie Karleta Sales
a.k.a. This Crooked Little Flower