Mentally how am I doing. I started on a path I spoke of earlier about developing routines and self care. It is coming along slowly in an ebb and flow sort of way.
I am moving forward. I am starting acupuncture again next week and am looking forward to it. I saw a dentist and am excited to have been able to take care of some cavities and then they did the scan for the Mouthpad technology and I am looking forward to it. It will make life on the computer and drawing so much easier. I know there will be a learning curve using my tongue as my mouse. Basically the roof of my mouth becomes a touchpad.
I also did one thing that was very hard for me to accept. I am now on palliative care. I fought it for a long time. Even though I know it is very different and not the same thing at all. my brain wants to say “its one step away from hospice” and I am not there yet.
They were very nice. and honestly the extra pain control does feel good. The regimen they started me with is helping quite a bit and I am thankful.
It is not fun living in severe pain and just having to deal with it. I finally said, “I am not managing this well.” My hubby was very happy because he has wanted this for a long time.
Since going to my studio is difficult right now, we have worked to create a “home studio”. We have a new desk. So now I have a place for drawing and a place for other things like going live on WhatNot which I am looking forward to giving it ago.
Is it hard for you to accept help? this illness certainly brushes up against my control freakishness and “I can handle it” self. Whoosh, it constantly does and I am in a better place to hear it and take an actionable step at really letting people in.
I love people. I love you, and I also can have trouble except through my art. With my art I am able to communicate so much easier. Is it a crutch? I don’t know. I just know it helps me feel safe and less anxious.
I no longer hide in my shyness. My shyness is really old tapes feeding me with negative messages. I am an introvert and I also love meeting being with others. I love community.
Currently I am blanking on what else I am developing. I am participating in a “Rough Draft Challenge” and while I do not think I will meet the original goal I set for word count, it is helping me be accountable to writing the book I have been asked to write for years.
What I find in this self care, routine journey is that it is more about asking for help and accepting it. Truly the more this happens the more independent I really am? is that possible? Maybe there are other words for it? I function better, I am not as bothered by being mostly bed bound. In this it is helping me get up in my chair more than I was. Even if I take a nap in my chair, I am up.
How do accept/ask for help? I hope that you too either have that tool in your toolbelt or have reason to start practicing. This tool was definitely rusty and not proficient in my toolbelt. I am practicing and this is a good thing.
It bring up grief yes. I grieve in stages as to where I am at in my illness. and that is a part of the journey. I am feeling joy today. It is a wild ride. as they say, hang on cause its gonna be a wild ride!
I truly believe I am “dream state becoming” Life is on a continuum and we keep going into eternity, remaining ever curious and pointed toward health. (not necessarily cure, or “better” health is what we make it).
paint much love,
Connie Karleta Sales
a.k.a. This Crooked Little Flower
4 responses to “Dream State Becoming”
It sounds like acceptance, good for you! You are an inspiration to me. I too am in incredible pain and nothing seems to work. I will keep trying. Love you, Mary Lynn
thank you, it does feel like an acceptance. I know acceptance ebbs and flows in stages. I am so sorry you are in so much pain I hope you can find some relief. Pain is beyond awful. I love you.
I’m so happy to hear from you. I agree that asking for for help is hard. My daughter is fighting two different kinds of cancer at the moment and she is receiving pallatve care. She is able to do more things because the pain is under control. I hope it works the same for you. You are always in my prayers.
Love, helen g.
thank you Helen, yes it is hard and I agree I find I have a bit more energy because my body is fighting less with the pain. It really is a good thing for many reasons.
I am glad you daughter has it too. you and yours are always in my daily prayers. I love you