brush my face
like silk on skin
gentle and brash
I stand.

Upright chest out
love into you the we
defiantly found
I stand.
CKS

If you follow me on Instagram then you probably have already seen this painting. and know I have been very ill. I was in the hospital. If you are not on Instagram let me summarize.

I was in the hospital being treated for Covid Pneumonia and bacterial pneumonia. At first they were concerned I might have blood clot in my lungs, The CT Scan did not show any in my lungs, but it did show there was a blood clot around my port. And then I also had yet another UTI.

I am out and recovering slowly. I have next to no stamina and little energy. Slowly I am gentle with myself regaining my health steadily.

The port will have to be removed and I will need to be followed by a hematologist. I will have it removed when we travel back home. I am now on a blood thinner to break up the clot which will take 3 or so months to do so. Eventually a new port can be placed but for now, I will need to use IV’s instead.

It was wild, I was born in the hospital I was in. I was in the main building which is the only building that existed when I was born. Now there are several buildings and its a big hospital.

My mom was in the psychiatric ward when she had me. They wheeled her down to labor and delivery, had me, and then wheeled back up the the ward. I reflected on this some. imagining. Then thinking just how far I have come in life. And now being able to give my mom something she was not able to give us. making sure she is safe and cared for. Not without boundaries. Which boundaries are healthy.

It is also a teaching hospital which I really enjoyed. You get to be a part of learning. And I was the first for many of having a person with Neuromyelitis Optica. Most had heard of it which is wild. That usually doesn’t happen.

The first ER doctor had never heard of NMO, but I carry a card in my wallet that gives a brief overview of NMO and so I was able to show him that card. very useful. also, i have a medical id bracelet that has a QR code to scan and it brings up things like my meds and doctors contacts etc. I got to use it too when they needed the meds I am on.

Sometimes I doubt myself on my preparedness if it is overboard. But then in times like this I realize it is necessary and very helpful. Don’t be afraid to do what you think is needed and to advocate for yourself.

The hospital was nice. Everybody was nice and they were so thorough. Knowing I was immunocompromized they hit it with all guns a blazing. I was impressed.

It was also nice not to have to teach everything. Feeding tube was no problem. it was old hat to them.. They even had the right syringes the enfit syringes which i usually have to bring from home.

Going forward my world gets small again. My physical world that is. It was scary to be that ill. And now recovering slowly I am not healthy yet. I have a ways to go.

My husband and I talked and I have to limit myself. and when I do have to out, that I will wear my full mask on my ventilator and a mask on top of that. It means Connie Elektra will be with me.

Then in public for my husband he will also wear a mask to help limit exposure.

I can’t put myself in danger. I will not put myself in danger. It is hard to know because I didn’t know I was exposed as I was and got very ill. I can’t risk it.

Means I probably can’t open my studio on studio tours any more. I would have to ask people to wear a mask and stay back. and I don’t think I would be comfortable because the studio is not a big space where you can really be very far apart.

Being in the city, we have learned how to order groceries for delivery. I think Walmart does this at home, so that will be good.

It has me thinking about my online world. I love you all. I do love being able to share in this space. Being that I will be within my home most of the time, I figure as I get healthy I can expand and dive deep.

I wonder what type of things would you like to see from me. just wondering.

I love this painting. I feel her strength and she encourages and inspires me to keep believing in myself. To keep my head up and to know that I may not know what my purpose is in life, but I have one. do I need to know it?

I have been a bit consumed in depression in feeling very purposeless, and in the hospital I had lots of reflection time. Do I really need to know my purpose in life? or can I just trust the light at my feet. In one of my all time favorite books, The Waves by Virginia Woolf. she writes, “I can imagine nothing beyond the circle cast by my body.”

An image that is a reminder of the present moment. When I turn back to the moment, life is easier. I can’t explain it but it is very true. And this painting, “Experience of What Not If”, helps me, reminds me. Helps me stand and not cower. I need not hide away. and I need not stay in a position of fear and self loathing.

to see her within myself is very healing. and that is the purpose of my work. To work out life. asking questions, allowing the work to speak what she needs to speak. Not preconceptions, just being in the moment with each painting. Dancing together in this thing called life’s journey.

This is quite long I will stop here for now.

Paint much love, always,
Connie Karleta Sales
a.k.a. This Crooked Little Flower