To be seen is a joy and a blessing
To be seen is a smile and comfort
To be seen is.

To shy back is to shut down
To lie down is to be vulnerable
To disappear.

Then
No like hands on hips
No like boundaries.
CKS

My natural inclination is to write, to doodle, to draw until it leaves; until I feel safe again; until I am able to look up and say, okay, its gonna be okay Connie.

It is not an easy thing to do. When I feel unprotected. As far as I have come, I still can be taken off guard, when my anxiety rises and fear creeps my bones.

Recently I had a situation with my father. He had to be hospitalized and I am thankful he is okay and it wasn’t a major problem.

My brother is the one physically there. So he was at the hospital when my dad had his procedure. My dad made an interesting comment.

He told my brother basically why are you here. My brother said, “Of course I am here. I won’t have you go through this alone. We are making sure you are taken care of.

My dad then grabbed his hand and said “i love you, you are good” etc.

Such bittersweet. It still shows that the love is transactional. We are loved because you do stuff for us. We are servants.

Where is love just because unconditionally. We are not seen.

It triggered me. I am not trying to speak about my brother’s feelings. I am speaking to how it effected me.

Trigger. My insides felt quiet; hiding and shut down. Anxiety and fear welling up. And then a feeling of confusion.

It is not easy to choose to take care of someone where you have issues and has not been the safe person in your life.

We choose to take care of my parents. My fundamental belief is in unconditional love. And I do feel unprotected, but I feel called to give in radical unprotectedness. To be vulnerable.

This does not mean without boundaries. By having boundaries, I see myself, and to see myself is to stand up for myself. In the triggering moment I felt so alone. I felt my childhood. I was alone.

I found and learned about unconditional love, and therefore I am able to give my parents something they were not able to give us.

I also felt sad. My dad expected to be alone. I feel sad, that that is obviously what he knows within his own experiences and passed it on to his children. I feel sad for him. I feel sad for our family.

This piece is about being seen. Eyes of longing and being in that place of vulnerability. the flux of feelings. the flux of speech and non speech. Shut down and strong at the same time.

Ribbons of oppositions and you know what. Today, they don’t have to be “resolved”. They can exist together. I don’t have to stay or get overwhelmed by the trigger.

I can choose. I have choice. And this piece has put on a mask. by choice to take care of themselves. I am immune compromised and therefore I were a mask to protect myself out in pubic areas with lots of people.

This piece ended up with a “mask”. She speaks of taking care of yourself. Kindness of self, she sees from a point of strength. And with that she can give the gift of unconditional love. even to those that are difficult relationships. Her heart softens, but her body is strong in her boundaries.

I hope that you feel strong. I hope this piece impacts you in a positive way.

paint much love, always,
Connie Karleta Sales
a.k.a. This Crooked Little Flower